Sunday, January 16, 2011

Anatomically Correct

Inspired by a message hidden within a Coca Cola advertisement in a skating magazine Jeremy set out to find a portal to another dimension. They really are not that uncommon. Most people just never go looking for them. And when people do stumble across them they usually regret it. Which is to say the experience is like discovering the Barrista at Starbucks slipped LSD in to your morning coffee.
Jeremy was excited about his mission. The instructions were subtle. Disguised as swirling soda and ice in the Coca Cola advertisement was an image of a naked lady receiving graphic anal sex. The lady had three eyes which is unusual for a Coca Cola advertisement. And by pure happenstance Jeremy recognized the pornographic source image from a crusty porn magazine he'd found behind his apartment complex a few months ago. He went back to see if the magazine was there still but it looked as though some kids had gotten to it and torn it up. Rummaging through the scattered shreds of paper he found the ladies face and it was a perfect match except she had two eyes. On the other side of the shred of paper was the words,"blue door."
That was enough to send Jeremy on a two year long search through every porno magazine he could get his hands. Scanning through the magazines page by page looking for something. Though, he did not know what he held faith in his ability to find it. The problem Jeremy understood about inter-dimensional doors is that there is no science to understanding them. Because the rules governing physics and all other aspects of reality in another dimension do not need to match our dimension in any way. This is why the door may not necessarily be a door by our standards. At least that is how Jeremy would explain it to the magazine attendant at the book store, and the clerk at the vintage store, and the guy who eventually banned him from the porn store.
He was correct of course. And two years to the day he found what he was looking for. It was in a Hustler brand porno magazine that specialized in women with large beavers. He was at the same magazine stand he had first seen the Coca Cola advertisement in the skating magazine. He spent much of his time at the magazine stand. Probably because the guy running it was a drunk and Jeremy's explanations and rabid porn addiction amused him.
What he found in the magazine was a key. A glowing magenta key about the same size as a door key. It had wedged itself deep in between the pages of the rather large magazine about rather large beavers on small women.
Jeremy held the key up and examined it with a look of pure excitement, almost religious ecstasy. The magazine attendant was less ecstatic because he didn't see a bright glowing magenta key in Jeremy's hands. He saw a dulled box cutter blade that one of the delivery guys must have lost.
"Hey Jeremy why don't you leme throw that away for you."
Jeremy looked at him and laughed.
"No, seriously I don't want you accidentally messing up any of the merchandise."
Jeremy held the key up to the attendant. He spoke to him with an expression of compassion and love as if he were Jesus talking to his disciples,"this is the key. Look it fits perfectly in the key hole on my neck."
Blood sprayed out of Jeremy's neck. Gallons of it, completely drenching the stand and knocking the attendant over. Jeremy wedged both of his hands deep into his neck wound wrenching it open. Blood flowed like a geyser washing the magazines on to the street. The wound slowly opened wider while Jeremy simultaneously pulled his arms down in it. He then fell sideways and wedged his legs feet first in to the hole. The blood spray now reached half way down the block. Jeremy pulled the last of his body through the hole in his neck. There was a loud pop and suddenly there was no sign of Jeremy except for the lake of blood that engulfed the thirty third and Main street block.

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