Saturday, January 1, 2011


it wasn't the usual drug. Rob said it was something different he got it from a group of immigrants from Southern Siberia. They said they soaked the leaves in water for a week and then had a good steam with the water. They said it could make a good steam bath feel like it was twenty times longer as well as twenty times more relaxing. They also said it could be used for torture but wouldn't explain how.
James didn't give a shit he would buy anything from Rob. He thought of himself as a junky connoisseur a true scum fuck gutter punk. He once shot up baby formula,"just in case"he said.
"so you think i should take a steam bath in heroine, is that it Rob?"
Rob laughed,"Noooo, I figure you can dump that bag of leaves in a pot of water bring it to a soft boil and just sit over it with a towel absorbing that steam right into your face."
"Yah guess ill just suck it up my eyeballs. Could just as easily go blind from shit like that." James reflected for a second on the level stupidity he had reached.
James headed home. This same day the World Sauna Championships were starting in Heinola, Finland. Timo Kaukonen would take first place in the men's competition by lasting 16 minutes and 15 seconds in a 110C sauna.
James called five different people to come over to his filth encrusted studio apartment. In hopes of finding a partner to test his new drug with. He had no luck.
After drinking a 40 once malt liquor. James poured two and half cups of water in to a metal pot. He dumped the entire sandwich bags worth of brown shriveled up leaves in to the pot. and brought the concoction to a low boil.
In a last second moment of inspiration he ran in to the bathroom and quickly shaved the 5 o-clock shadow off his face. Grabbed his one towel, a ratty Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles beach towel. and ran back to the stove. He sat down cross legged on the counter, draped the towel carefully over his head and the pot, and attempted to steam himself.
The steam caused a wave of relaxation to roll over him. Much like heroin, except lacking the energy draining urge to nod off. That's important because the way he was sitting had he nodded off he would have face planted into a pot of boiling liquid.
James sat over that pot tell the water had nearly boiled out leaving nothing but a thick sludgy brown sauce. He turned the stove off laid down on the floor and relaxed. He relaxed in a way he had nearly forgotten. He relaxed the way a child would rapped in a blanket on a lazy Saturday morning with his favorite cartoons on and not a single care in the world.
A day passed and James found Rob back out on third street
"Ehh, got any more of those leaves? They're fucking awesome."
"No,"Rob replied.
"Come on sure you do. You had a garbage bag full of em."
"not any more,"Rob replied.
"don't be that way Rob. What's the deal?"
"I'm all out.. and I know you don't want anything else so just get lost" Rob yelled severely frustrated.
James stared at Rob. Rob walked forward sat down on the curb and ignored him.
There could have been a handful of different ways for James to hunt down the origin of that plant it could have kept him busy for weeks and it could have been a very profitable venture. But he was never the ambitious type. Instead he bought a cup of coffee and walked back home.
It should also be mentioned that his day at home would have been incredibly boring and uneventful. None of his small handful of friends would have called him back to at least inquire about the success of his new drug. And his cat would be spending most of that day out side hunting bugs. Unfortunately without any thought what so ever James grabbed the cold pot of sauce and sucked down every last drop of it.
Almost instantly that same incredible almost inspiring wave of relaxation washed over him. It brought tears of joy and childlike giddy laughter. James fell to the floor rolling around giggling. But this only lasted about a minute before it was interrupted by a sharp cramping pain in his abdomen. Icy cold blasted through his veins causing him to curl up in a pale pathetic mess. His tears of joy were replaced with dry burning eyes that received swirled visions of syrupy color dripping over the walls in his house. His heart pounded and the blood vessels in his nose burst with a ferocious spray down the front of his arms. James was starting to feel a little regret.
"Maybe this was a bad idea" he thought
"nooo it was a great idea," the frog growing out of left shoulder croaked."I was getting very sick of pulling your arm around all day. And I'm sure the spiders attached to your wrists are extremely happy to get away from the shit you make them do to that snake all day"
James told the frog,"What your saying sounds incredibly stupid." He didn't look down to investigate the frogs statement. Because a roomful of oiled up life size shirtless green army men poured bucket after bucket of black india ink over Jame's body till the room filled from top to bottom with black ink. At this same moment 400 hundred miles away a women is screaming at a museum security guard for no good reason at all. Because he could not magically pull her purse back up out of Charles Ray's ink box unharmed. James was aware of this and was currently sorting through the purse hoping to score a few bucks. He did find a nice cell phone which he kept. He then swam gracefully through the black ink to the escape hatch on the bottom. he lifted the round lid up squeezed himself out the other side and landed with a plop sound in his tub. Serendipity struck again for a large mean bull frog who just discovered the escape hatch from his own black filled world. The escape hatch happened to be James' ass hole. Which he tore open and peeled James off his toad body like peeling away a shit filled condom. James' body slumped into a smelly slimy pile half hanging over the edge of the tub. The bull frog stood upright an impressive 6 foot three.
He looked around James' scummy apartment. Disgraceful he thought. He rummaged around the apartment trying to decide if he would make a home of it. But inspiration struck when James' cat came home. As it strolled in from the balcony curious about the strange savory smells coming from the apartment the frogs tongue leaped out snatched the cat and sucked it down the frogs muscly throat cracking the cats bones apart. The bull frog was filled with hope for what wonderful things must be outside that apartment. He put on his nicest track suit and headed out.

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